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This blog is my diary of works in progress. The only way a writer can improve upon her skill is to practice, practice and practice some more. Here, in this place of quiet peace, I pen to paper my thoughts and creativity. Welcome to my world.

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Sunday, March 4, 2012

HELP!!!!

I have finally sat down to rework some problem areas in one of my previous 12x12 drafts called "There's a Kid in my Bedroom." I am not a rhymer so I took the challenge of making this story a rhyming story. I wont know till it is over if this was a vastly huge mistake or something I can continue to work on and polish for submission one day. But right now I am stuck on one particular section and can use all the help I can get. Not to mention my little monster would appreciate it too. :) So here goes: I am looking for some rhyming engineering


I puff up my chest and stick out my snout.
“I’m little monster and I can’t sleep,
With all your bumping and thumping
You sound like a bighorn sheep.”

Kid pokes his big head from around his bed.
His body trembling and his eyes open wide,
“Who, who’s there?’ he asks with a squeak.
Kid’s not so scary with his bunny at his side.


"Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
But if we are going to be roommates, lets get on thing [clear/straight/or any other suggestion]
No jumping or bumping or big scary noises
I need my sleep 'cause like you I am a growing [monster-neer/ rhymes with straight/or any other suggestion]

So what do you think? How can I fix this section. It's driving me CRAZY!!!!!!

22 comments:

Arianne Cruz said...

Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
But if we are going to be roommates, let's get one thing straight
No jumping or bumping or big scary boo
I need my sleep 'cause like you I am at my growing state

OR

Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room
But if we are going to be roommates, let's make things clear
No jumping, or bumping, or big scary boo
I need my sleep, 'cause like you I am a growing fiend

hope that helps

moonduster said...

Try here when you need help with finding the right rhyme: http://www.rhymezone.com/

Jennifer Lee Young said...

How cute Saba! I had a hard time finding a rhyme for you but here is a helpful website to look for more rhyming words- http://www.rhymezone.com/?loc=bar

Good luck!

Diane Dawson Hearn said...

It would help a lot if you could post a couple of other verses so we could get an idea of the rhythm and rhyming structure you have created. Right now this reads so much like prose (except for the third line) that it is hard to get a feel for what might work.

Louise Nottingham said...

Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
But if we are going to be roommates, lets get DISCUSS A THING OR TWO

No jumping No bumping No big scary noises
WE need OUR sleep 'cause WE'RE YOUNG GROWING BOY'ES

?????????

Good Luck...!

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

Thank you Diane. I have added the two verses before it so that you and other can get a better feel for the rhythm. :) Thank you for that suggestions!

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

Thanks Arianne! :D

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

Thank you Jennifer! :)

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

Thank you for the link Moonduster! :)

Susanna Leonard Hill said...

Listen kid, I'll share my room
But let's get one thing clear
No bumping, jumping or scary noise
Or you are out of here!

Just a shot.... :)

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

LOL! Susanna!! And here I was feeling sorry for little monster! :D

patientdreamer said...

"Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
But if we are going to be roommates, lets get one thing straight
No jumping or bumping or big scary noises
I need my sleep cause in the morning I cannot be late.

(just thought I would give it a go)..lol.

patientdreamer said...

"Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you,
But if we are going to be roommates, lets get one thing straight.
No jumping or bumping or big scary noises,
I need my sleep 'cause in the morning I don't want to be late.
(thought I would have a go)

Karlene Petitt said...

Listen Kid, it's okay that you share my room
But if we are going to be roommates, one thing is true
No wetting or jumping or bumping or big scary noises
I need my sleep 'cause I too am growing just like you

Love from the little monster in me.
XOX Karlene

Brenda Demko said...

"Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
But if we are going to be roommates, lets get one thing straight.
No jumping or bumping or big scary noises
I need my sleep 'cause like you I am growing and I want to be (or you could say do) great!

Heather said...

How fun! I'm totally not a rhymer either so sorry, I can't be of much help.

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

Yay!! aww thank you Karlene and your little monster too :D <3

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

By golly I think I am just about there!!!! I LOVE you all I just knew I could count on my writing community to lend me a helping hand :D You guys rock!

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

LOL! I love the 'Boy'es' :D

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

Thank you patientdreamer! I really love all the creative suggestions!

Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5) said...

Thank you Brenda!!!!! :D

Patricia T. said...

I had fun reading all of the suggestions. I'm better at looking at someone else's rhyme than writing. But, you've already gotten some good advice. Nice to challenge yourself.


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