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Sunday, March 4, 2012

HELP!!!!

I have finally sat down to rework some problem areas in one of my previous 12x12 drafts called "There's a Kid in my Bedroom." I am not a rhymer so I took the challenge of making this story a rhyming story. I wont know till it is over if this was a vastly huge mistake or something I can continue to work on and polish for submission one day. But right now I am stuck on one particular section and can use all the help I can get. Not to mention my little monster would appreciate it too. :) So here goes: I am looking for some rhyming engineering


I puff up my chest and stick out my snout.
“I’m little monster and I can’t sleep,
With all your bumping and thumping
You sound like a bighorn sheep.”

Kid pokes his big head from around his bed.
His body trembling and his eyes open wide,
“Who, who’s there?’ he asks with a squeak.
Kid’s not so scary with his bunny at his side.


"Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
But if we are going to be roommates, lets get on thing [clear/straight/or any other suggestion]
No jumping or bumping or big scary noises
I need my sleep 'cause like you I am a growing [monster-neer/ rhymes with straight/or any other suggestion]

So what do you think? How can I fix this section. It's driving me CRAZY!!!!!!
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22 comments:

  1. ArianneMarch 4, 2012 at 2:52 PM

    Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
    But if we are going to be roommates, let's get one thing straight
    No jumping or bumping or big scary boo
    I need my sleep 'cause like you I am at my growing state

    OR

    Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room
    But if we are going to be roommates, let's make things clear
    No jumping, or bumping, or big scary boo
    I need my sleep, 'cause like you I am a growing fiend

    hope that helps

    ReplyDelete
  2. Becky FyfeMarch 4, 2012 at 2:56 PM

    Try here when you need help with finding the right rhyme: http://www.rhymezone.com/

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownMarch 4, 2012 at 3:05 PM

    How cute Saba! I had a hard time finding a rhyme for you but here is a helpful website to look for more rhyming words- http://www.rhymezone.com/?loc=bar

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Diane Dawson HearnMarch 4, 2012 at 3:21 PM

    It would help a lot if you could post a couple of other verses so we could get an idea of the rhythm and rhyming structure you have created. Right now this reads so much like prose (except for the third line) that it is hard to get a feel for what might work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5)March 4, 2012 at 4:36 PM

      Thank you Diane. I have added the two verses before it so that you and other can get a better feel for the rhythm. :) Thank you for that suggestions!

      Delete
  5. Louise NottinghamMarch 4, 2012 at 4:19 PM

    Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
    But if we are going to be roommates, lets get DISCUSS A THING OR TWO

    No jumping No bumping No big scary noises
    WE need OUR sleep 'cause WE'RE YOUNG GROWING BOY'ES

    ?????????

    Good Luck...!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 4, 2012 at 4:39 PM

    Listen kid, I'll share my room
    But let's get one thing clear
    No bumping, jumping or scary noise
    Or you are out of here!

    Just a shot.... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5)March 4, 2012 at 4:52 PM

      LOL! Susanna!! And here I was feeling sorry for little monster! :D

      Delete
  7. patientdreamerMarch 4, 2012 at 11:34 PM

    "Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
    But if we are going to be roommates, lets get one thing straight
    No jumping or bumping or big scary noises
    I need my sleep cause in the morning I cannot be late.

    (just thought I would give it a go)..lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5)March 5, 2012 at 1:27 PM

      Thank you patientdreamer! I really love all the creative suggestions!

      Delete
  8. patientdreamerMarch 5, 2012 at 8:12 AM

    "Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you,
    But if we are going to be roommates, lets get one thing straight.
    No jumping or bumping or big scary noises,
    I need my sleep 'cause in the morning I don't want to be late.
    (thought I would have a go)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Karlene PetittMarch 5, 2012 at 12:27 PM

    Listen Kid, it's okay that you share my room
    But if we are going to be roommates, one thing is true
    No wetting or jumping or bumping or big scary noises
    I need my sleep 'cause I too am growing just like you

    Love from the little monster in me.
    XOX Karlene

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5)March 5, 2012 at 1:20 PM

      Yay!! aww thank you Karlene and your little monster too :D <3

      Delete
  10. Brenda DemkoMarch 5, 2012 at 1:00 PM

    "Listen Kid, I don't mind sharing my room with you
    But if we are going to be roommates, lets get one thing straight.
    No jumping or bumping or big scary noises
    I need my sleep 'cause like you I am growing and I want to be (or you could say do) great!

    ReplyDelete
  11. HeatherMarch 5, 2012 at 1:16 PM

    How fun! I'm totally not a rhymer either so sorry, I can't be of much help.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ms Saba (aka Teacher007.5)March 5, 2012 at 1:23 PM

    By golly I think I am just about there!!!! I LOVE you all I just knew I could count on my writing community to lend me a helping hand :D You guys rock!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Patricia T.March 5, 2012 at 4:53 PM

    I had fun reading all of the suggestions. I'm better at looking at someone else's rhyme than writing. But, you've already gotten some good advice. Nice to challenge yourself.

    ReplyDelete